i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
