I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
