I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
