Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
