my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
