I faked an abortion last night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
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i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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