Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
