Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.