genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?