I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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