The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
