Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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