Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
