My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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