I wish they made helmets for livers.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
