Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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