I can tuck mytits in my pants
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
