Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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