she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We don't watch enough power rangers
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
