the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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