every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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