I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he thought i was a dude.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
