I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.