its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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