i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
