If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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