I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
