I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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