There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
