He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
