I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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