Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
