ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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