well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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