I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
