just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
