I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
