woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
