I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
