Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
