Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
