I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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