Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
