woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
