Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
