Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
