after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
