Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
ok first of all what the fuck
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
