it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.