i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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