Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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