I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
we should paint friendship bongs
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