I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
