apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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