its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
