he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
