I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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